This article deals with more of a personal nature. In fact, this article is all about me, but I'm hoping that you can relate to these words. I have always fallen victim to rumors and accusations, of a superstitious nature. Why? Well, that's a very interesting question, and the answer can be very deep. Rumors and accusations have become a pattern to most of my life, and it always centered around peoples notions of me, because I appear so mysterious to them, and when they take the time to actually speak with me, despite their false fears, they begin to realize how much of an enigma I really am, and all the rumors and accusations are placed aside.
What people say about me is pretty funny. I've heard of people who have claimed to talk to me while I was walking down the street, and how I cared nothing for them. Actually, I have no idea who these people are, nor have I ever spoken to them. They've described me exactly, but not once have I ever spoken to these people. Another time, it was said of how I got angry and shut all the doors and windows with the power of my mind. First of all, I have never been to the house where they said I was, and secondly, what power are they speaking of?
I've been ask, "Do you worship the Devil?" "Why do you walk like that?" "Why do you talk like that?" "Why do you look like that?" I have always been analyzed to the smallest detail as if people are waiting for me to do something strange, or I get treated as a science experiment. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know if you can understand how frustrating that can be. They treat me as an escaped mental patience, and fear that I'll do something abnormal. What is it that they expect me to do?
Do I take up so much of their lives, that they have to be concerned with every little step I take? Many times, their reaction to me feels like a slap in the face. I can't seem to do anything without their watchful eye and accusing thoughts, and so rumors about me fly around. It's all become a pattern and so I speak of it without emotion because I'm just going through the motions of living and reliving the same things over and over and over and over...
I try to avoid meeting new people for the fact that they always fall into the pattern, and the rumors and accusations are shared with them, or they come up with their own ideas. Am I meant to be a lab rat for everyone elses religious fears? The idea of religion doesn't even come up...at least...not right away, and mostly not ever. Sure, they often tell me their views and beliefs in God always finding the need to express themselves through religion, but I will not do the same. I have enough respect to not push my beliefs on them as they would do to me. People have their thumbs stuck so far up their asses which is why they blow gas out their mouths whenever they speak.
What recently grabbed my attention was the fact that people spoke of a website which they assumed that I have of a gothic nature. The fact that they assumed something which happened to be the only truth (except for the gothic part) sparked my curiousity. Why would people be so concerned with my personal affairs that they feel the need to speak of me in this way? Here in town, I'm surrounded by nothing but Ghetto Rats, who run around like wanna-be gangbangers and such, saying "Yo yo yo," every other word and speaking in rap lyrics.
I've been told that I stand out, here in town, and perhaps I do. It's a curious phenomena. Does it have to do because of my Magick? No. Even as a child, I've heard people tell my mom, "Why is Danny so different," or "Something's wrong with Danny," and I never did anything to stand out. I played as children played, even with others at the same games. It recently occured to me how I developed my shy nature. There was a time when I was very playful with others, until I started hearing how people viewed me. It doesn't matter what people say about me, but what matters is that their thoughts of me prevent me from progressing in areas which I should have developed as I grew older. It's because of these things where I began to seclude myself. I had received an e-mail on June 13th which read...
Danny
I find it very difficult to believe that someone
with your extreme
intelligence and insights, has a problem with
shyness....
I try to reply to every e-mail I get, but this one threw me off my feet for a moment, and I didn't know how to respond to such a statement. If whomever wrote me that e-mail reads these words, then my answer about the origin of my shyness is directed toward you. Maybe it's the fact that my intelligence is of a spiritual nature that people have felt uneasy in my presence. I pride myself on my discipline, though many times, these people just piss me off for everything which they've said at my expense. Let them say what they will, and allow me to continue in my spiritual pursuit. Perhaps one day, they'll come to understand what I've been saying all along, and maybe even as I am now...so too will they become.